Hey, know what? There are a ton of perfect people on this planet. Who knew? I guarantee you I sure didn’t. Where did all these perfect people come from? Where was I when the line to perfection was being formed? I must have been out of town or watching a good TV show. I completely missed getting in line for my excessive dose of awesomeness. Hold on a minute! I don’t like lines. Judging by all the self-perceived perfection I witness, the line had to be super long.
Have any of you ever met one of these perfect people of which I speak? Actually they are pretty hard to miss…I should know I try to miss them all the time. Perfect people bust right into your good day and make it aggravating. The very first thing most of them like to do is ask “How are you doing?” That is the big conversation opener. Well it isn't really a conversation… that would consist of two people. This is you listening to them talk endlessly about them. Here is how it goes…
Perfect Person: How are you doing today?
Me: (mouth opening to form a word)
Perfect Person: I'm doing great. I've been so busy. Between work, the wife/hubby, and the kids I'm always on the go.
See what I mean? Not really a conversation now is it? Some day when I'm feeling saucy, I'm going to say “Hey, know what? I don't care. Know what else? I haven't been standing with my face pressed against the window awaiting your arrival. Matter of fact I threw up a little in my mouth at the very sight of you walking toward me.”
Honestly, about half the time I actually do make little crappy comments like “How thrilling for you.” (Monotone voice) and walk away. If I'm teetering on the verge of grumpiness, I don't even acknowledge the “How are you?” question. I just keep on working and when they start in about their day, I make my signature sound of dislike “UGH!” and walk off. They NEVER get it! Why should they? They are interesting, fascinating people. Heck they probably made your day by talking to you. You are probably skipping around the office whistling a merry tune because they let you bask in the glow of their awesomeness. You should probably go buy a lottery ticket because, Sugar, you have just stumbled upon your lucky day.
Warning signs of the perfect male person are:
- They use words like sugar, honey and babe when talking to a female. Doesn't that lift your spirits? Yeah, it lifts something that's for sure….my lunch. UGH!
- They walk around like peacocks with their chests poked out and they look to the side most of the time. This is so they can admire themselves in a window or witness everyone (they think) admiring them.
Warning signs of the perfect female person are:
- The word ‘overload' is not in their vocabulary. These women have on a ton of make-up, colorful or flashy clothes, and jewelry everywhere. Most of the time they look like they just left a gypsy convention.
- Here is where they are slightly different than the male of this species…they are all helpless. Light bulbs, batteries and things that plug into the wall are a source of wonder and mystery to these women. They want you to do and buy things for them. After all, they're worth it and don't you feel good about yourself for spending your time and money on someone so deserving?
Okay, now all of you go forth and witness all the perfect people surrounding you. By the way, if you are about to rush to a mirror right now…you're who I’m talking about.
