You know what part of getting older really thrills me? Needing a hearing aid. Yep, you read that last sentence correctly. I’ve thought about this for years. I’m not sure at what age hearing starts to decline but I can’t wait to get to there.
I'm sure you're thinking I'm a kook. You're probably right. However, I really don't think I'm kooky on this particular thought. Actually, I don't think I'm kooky on any thought. Then again my mom always says that crazy people never know they're crazy. I'm going to assume she's lumping kooks in that same category of denial.
Take a minute to really sit down and think of all the annoying, useless and just plain disturbing things you hear throughout the day. I'm not just talking about that SQUEEK sound that chalk makes on a chalkboard. I’m talking about your entire day of generally annoying crap. Think about all the sounds, voices, comments and every other noise that might irk you throughout the day. Now imagine for a second that you can simply reach up and turn all those sounds off. Pretty awesome thought isn’t it? No longer will you have to listen to your dog bark at some stupid squirrel in the front yard. Never again hear the doorbell ring during a really good nap. And snoring! No more listening to anyone snore. Wouldn’t that be incredible? How about never hearing a co-worker say something so utterly stupid that you wonder how they learned to tie their own shoes? Hey, how about your boss? Wouldn’t you like to be able to say “Oh, dang, I never heard you tell me that!” Wouldn’t it be nice to say that and really mean it? For the first time you really won’t have a clue what is going on anywhere.
Now imagine all the perks that will come with your inability to hear. Think of all the things you feel obligated to attend. UGH! All the meetings, birthday parties, funerals, weddings, any event that you don’t feel like attending. You can now free up your schedule and do whatever you want. You simply had no idea anything was going on. Always be sure to use one of your grandmother’s sayings when asked about your lack of attendance….”You know I don’t hear quite as well as I used to.” Hey, I just thought of an extra bonus, think of all the money you’ll save on gifts? No more wasting time trying to find some random gift for someone you hardly know.
But wait…there's more! Here's the best part of being hearing impaired; your complete lack of knowledge, attendance, and general communication skills won't make anyone mad. How GREAT is that? Didn’t make it to your friend’s 13-yr-old dog’s ‘Bark Mitzvah’? No one will be mad. They will all stand around with a concerned look on their face and say “Poor Felicia, she just doesn’t hear very well. I should have sent her an invitation but I thought she heard me.” See, how fabulous this is?
I'm going to get started training people for my impending hearing loss today. I'm going to walk around the office saying “huh” and “what was that?” I figure it's best to start now then it won't be such a difficult transition for anyone later. I'm thoughtful like that.
