Q: I recently bought concert tickets for a friend and me. Our plan was to go eat and hang with some of our other friends and then stay the night near the concert venue. We had been talking about it for weeks. The morning on the day of the concert, my friend called to say that she wasn't going to be able to make it. This is not the first time she has done this, and I am at the end of my rope. I got stuck with the tickets and missed the concert because nobody could make it on such short notice. Should I remain friends with her?
A: Ahhh, the flaky friend. We all have one. They never return our calls, forget our birthday, miss lunch dates and ALWAYS break plans at the last minute.
If one person in a two-person relationship is doing all the heavy lifting, it just can't work out for both parties involved. This goes for any relationship: husband/wife, parent/child, employer/employee. Certain standards must be set and adhered to or someone ends up feeling not valued or respected.
To answer your question about remaining friends with her, you must weigh whether this person is beneficial or harmful to your happiness. It is my experience that through the years you may outgrow some of your friends. It's sad but true. Maybe it's a spouse that you don't get along with or some jealousy toward your successes or just a general loss of anything in common. You have to ask yourself if her friendship is worth it.
If the answer is yes, here are some helpful suggestions for dealing with the unreliable friends.
Confront Them: I always consider this the best option; however, if you don’t have the constitution for confrontation, it might not be the best choice for you. Tell your friend how her behavior has affected you. In most cases, flaky friends don’t know they are being flaky. While you can’t expect this person to change overnight, things may get better.
Change Your Expectations: Turn your active friendship into a passive one. Only make plans with this friend that you would have done anyway. Ask her to meet you and a group of friends out for dinner. Then you won’t be inconvenienced if she doesn’t show or breaks plans. Keep it light by only chatting with her occasionally as opposed to relying on her for heartfelt advice or comfort. This way you can continue to keep her as a friend without the frustration and anger that comes with constantly being stood up or ignored.
I am personally of the belief that if you want a rich friendship, you must invest in it. Emerson said it best: “The only way to have a friend is to be one.”
