I'm pretty sure after reading the headline you're thinking that by "don't do it" I'm talking about "getting married."
Well, I'm not. Even if that were what I was saying, you wouldn't listen to me because you're going to do whatever you want anyway. So why would I even bother telling you not to? It's a well-known fact that when you tell people what they shouldn't do, they want to do it even more.
And my dad always says you shouldn't "should" anybody anyway, so I won't. Because even though I'm almost 42 years old, I still listen to my dad. That's the best advice I can give you. But since the magazine likes my columns to be longer than 119 words, I'll give you another piece of advice.
If you're smart (and you seem pretty smart to me), you'll listen when I say this.
As you're out there in the world planning your wedding and picking out cakes and dresses and all that really fun stuff you do when you're getting married, DO NOT register for china (also known as "really fancy dishes you'll never use").
Seriously, I did this. And you know what? I've never ever NEVER used it. In fact, I'm not even sure where it is.
Oh sure, it was exciting going to that part of the store where they keep the really expensive dishes. I walked through that entire section with my butt cheeks tightly clenched for fear I might break something.
You know those people who walk into stores and, God love 'em, can't help but break something every single time?
Hi.
I'm pretty sure I held my breath as I carefully studied each pattern until that one magical herringbone design caught my eye. That was it for me. And that moment, I realized I was officially a grown up. Because owning fancy plates (outlined in plated gold!) was surely the litmus test. And just as historic was the fact that on this particular day, I managed to move about the room without breaking anything etched with the word Waterford.
The very proper lady with the pursed lips and expensive linen suit who was assisting me nodded her approval of my decision. And I remember letting out an enormous sigh of relief.
After much contemplation and discussion (and adding up all the people I knew), I picked out 12 place settings, a few serving platters, crystal stemware and a gravy boat.
Besides fancy dishes, do you know what the world needs even less (I mean other than STDs, Justin Bieber or another reality television show)?
It's a gravy boat.
Who even makes gravy anyway? Do you know where my gravy boat is? I don't either. You know why? Because I don't make gravy. Or serve gravy. In fact, the only time I eat gravy is when I go to Montgomery Street Café. Maybe I should give THEM my very fancy herringbone etched in plated gold gravy boat. If only I knew where it was.
Do you people even appreciate the irony of all this?
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that if I were you, I would spend my money on something other than fancy china. Like say, GOING to China. Or on a pet ferret. Or, OOH, lottery tickets!
There really is no limit to the list of things you can buy if you don't buy dishes you're never going to use. Seriously, put that gravy boat down and walk away.
But if I know you, you're going to do what you want anyway. And that's OK too. Buy the stupid china and the even stupider gravy boat.
But don't be surprised when the day comes that you realize I was right and you were wrong. I won't even say I told you so.
I will, however, sell you a ferret named Stinky.
Shauna Glenn of Fort Worth, mother of four, can be contacted at [email protected]. Her second novel, Relative Insanity, is available in bookstores now. illustration by Charles Marsh
