I would like to make a formal public service announcement. This announcement is for people who work in a small office. Work with a large group of people in a cramped setting. Or people who leave their house.
I'm going to make this announcement once so please pay close attention. STOP MARINATING IN YOUR COLOGNE AND/OR PERFUME. I don’t know what has started this craze of dunking yourself in some sort of dandelion, dryer sheet, periwinkle, juniper twig, concoction but it really has to stop.
People you are not a piece of chicken and perfume is not to be used as a marinade. You must understand that when everyone is in one place and they all have dunked and dipped in their designer scent of the day it's simply over powering. I know that you all want to make sure we smell YOUR scent above all others. Stop It! On behalf of all allergy sufferers …be alert to how much you squirt.
Trust me, I know you honestly believe that you smell like a spring day skip through pine cone valley. I think it's incredibly thoughtful of you to want to smell nice for everyone within a 32 mile radius, really I do. Please understand that just a mere squirt will do the trick. There is no reason to wage chemical warfare on everyone's eyes and nose. Don't you want people to enjoy your fruity botanical goodness? We cannot possibly enjoy the scent you spent your hard earned money to buy if our faces are running like Niagara Falls. Please I beg of you …just one squirt.
Here's a tip for all you super manly men out there. Rutting yak urine and diesel DOES NOT make you more popular with “the honeys”. Maybe back in the day (caveman days) before regular bathing. When people wore dead unsanitary animal pelts and chased things to kill and eat. Strolling into a restaurant and picking up a pile of chicken wings doesn't qualify as a hunting and gathering. It also doesn't mean you should add 7 more squirts of Trucker For MEN before leaving your house.
Tomorrow when all of you awake and get ready to head into the office or wherever it is that you decide to go remember this one little tip.
Please be alert and use just ONE squirt.
