Tooth is Stranger than Fiction

"The Lady in Red"

August 14, 2012

4:10 PM

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In life, I have found that many of my best ideas have come about from careful consideration and research. Whether planning a trip to the Catskills or a engineering the world's finest potato gun, it's a good idea to think in advance. Still, there are other instances where things just pop out of your head and land on the tip of your tongue. Like this

At about 12:08am two Thursdays ago, that's exactly what happened. My tooth fell out. Not a real tooth, mind you, but a crown. And in terms of crowns, this damn thing was a Crown Victoria. I got 14 years of loyal service out of it, which is approximately the amount of time you can expect from a well-maintained Ford of the same moniker. Police officers and taxi drivers, you know what I'm talking about.

One night back in 1998, in what can only be described as a moment of youthful exuberance, a fresh-faced 19 year old had a window of opportunity open up. Unfortunately, this was only after he collided with a door of truth. Fortunately, he got a second chance to make a first impression. Parents, remember these two words when negotiating hiring packages/speaking with Union Representatives

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For many years, I thought my actions were to blame for my loss BUT two years ago, I uncovered the truth. It turned out that one of my fraternity brothers thought it would be quite a larf to hold the swinging door shut as I ran through it. Now normally I would track down said individual for some swift, brutal justice but it appears that Karma took care of the problem for me. You see, ol' bro's head is as bald as a plucked chicken these days-BWAHAHAHA!!! Let this be a lesson to anyone who thinks that they can get the upper hand on me. The universe doles out healthy doses of retribution on my behalf-Consider yourself forewarned!

Yet even in the throws of self-conscious horror, I had managed to find solace in the fact that I was able to put the Crown Vic back in place, if only during business hours and if only with FIXODENT.

Until Saturday

At the pool

At the Omni

Well that was an interesting and somewhat horrifying thing to have happen. Yet if I ever needed a sign that it's time to close out a bar tab, that was certainly it.

Yep, my denture cream had failed me. Now I'll bet that stuff was the greatest thing since sliced bread when it first came out but I'll also bet that it was so long ago that sliced bread might have been invented the year prior. To all the elderly people, hockey players and dentally compromised who deal with this on a daily basis, my heart goes out to you. By the way, that commercial where the old man says, "I can even eat corn on the cob!!" Corn on the cob my ass!! Maybe if it's pureed into a liquid and drank through a straw! But I'm getting off topic a bit.

If single life has taught me one thing, it's that when you're alone most of the time, it just doesn't make sense for you to live it up when there's no one there to see it. This is the one way that I've been able to learn to live on a budget. So when it comes to the dentist, I'm just not going to pay someone in FW if I don't know/trust them. I probably would not get anything out of it but a stern lecture or a stupid conversation anyway.

So I decided to go visit my dear friends in New Orleans, Louisiana and get some dental work from someone that I trusted to anesthetize me without the fear of waking up with dollar bills stuffed in my pants. By the way, if anybody wants the name of the finest dentist in Metairie, LA, I've got your man. After what this guy did for me, I will shamelessly promote him until the day I die.

Aside from the knowing I wasn't being ripped off/inappropriately manhandled, I figured this trip would also be a great time to see some friends for the Annual "Red Dress Run". This is a yearly tradition where everybody, both men and women, get dolled up in their finest, cheapest red dress and run through the French Quarter at 8:00 am. That, or you can just get hammered and walk around all day. Guess which one I chose?

And yes, I am aware that I am a very ugly woman. But there were many ugly woman, thousands of them, albeit much to the chagrin of the boys around Bourbon and St. Ann (Oz). However, they were quite understanding; they have a lot more experience looking good in women's clothing...I KEED I KEED!

All and all, it was one hell of a weekend. Productive, too because my dentist extraordinaire did a first rate job on my choppers.

And rewarding as well, because I am fortunate to have so many people that I care about. I am beginning to realize that these are the things that really matter in life.

So until the next special someone comes along, I am reminded of one simple truth; I may be single but I'm never alone. Whether they're installing dental implants in my mouth or downing Hurricane's with me at Pat O' Brien's, I have some really great friends.

Although I'm sure a day will come along very soon where I'm having pillow fights with lingere models, right now I am just greatful to be in a committed relationship with hundreds of interesting people.

"It's Complicated"? Hmmm, not so much.

---FOO BAR