Courtesy Texas Ballet
Carolyn Judson
After 19 years with the Texas Ballet Theater, dancer Carolyn Judson will take one last bow after the company’s final performance of “A Midsummer Night’s Dream,” May 21 at Bass Hall.
Judson is retiring after 19 years with the company in order to focus on her family and raising her children.
“As I've gotten older, the reason for the nerves has changed,” Judson says. “At first, the nerves were because I was trying to prove myself to others. Now, I still get nervous because I need to continue to prove myself. I think, personally, [dance] has given me a way to communicate without having to use my words; you can use feelings to communicate through movement — the way you look at someone, the way you move. That’s the beauty that I’ve been attracted to since the beginning — the ability to communicate without having to come up with words.”
At the age of 3, Judson’s mother put her in ballet lessons, and Judson admits that, ironically, she was bored of it. Instead, she took jazz with a friend of hers, and after her instructor said ballet would help her with her jazz performances, she stuck with ballet. At 19, Judson danced for the first time with the Texas Ballet Theater, performing Coppélia where she had solos.
“The great part about being with the company for so long is that you can really work with your own experiences,” Judson says. “You get to revisit a role and it is a challenge because you want to do it better than the last time, but you do have something to work from, you’re not starting from the ground up. I think the difference now with performing is I have a lot to pull from and grow from, and I think that brings a lot more depth to my performance and my character, and I definitely enjoy that feeling.”
Although the dancers can make it look effortless on stage, there is a lot of intense training behind the scenes. Warm-ups start at 9 a.m. and ballet classes are from 10:45 a.m. until 5:45 p.m. It’s a full-time job. Offstage, there is more. Having to have a diet that can fuel them and maintain their body to perform. Judson has kept with the same schedule for 19 years, soaking her feet in ice-cold water every evening.
“The aches and pains get more intense with every year and the dancers are trained, it’s something ingrained in us that you push through anything anyway,” she says. “If I didn't have a family, I maybe could have pushed through for longer, but it feels like the right time to shift over into my next chapter, and my next chapter is my kids. They are the reason why.”
Judson has two children, a 5-year-old daughter and a 2-year-old son who have both taken an interest in dancing in some format. She recalls breastfeeding her daughter during performances of the nutcracker when her daughter was three months old. Her children have always been exposed to dancing, and it seems natural for them to take an interest in the art. Now, her children have more demanding schedules, which means Judson will be tapping out of ballet.
“They don't understand that when they need mom, and mom isn’t there, it’s because she’s at the theater all night,” Judson says. “It's hard and sad for them to figure that out. I can’t wait to just be there. The job … it takes so much out of us, which is wonderful, but also, it’s hard to share my time. I’ve done my best to give my best to ballet and to parenting, and it’s worked out okay. But I’ve always had this pull of mom guilt. I’m looking forward to that and being able to be more present and available to them.”
It’s the end of an era, but Judson isn’t ready to fully stop dancing. She will be encouraging her children if they want to take it up; Judson’s even participating in a dancing Mom-and-Me class with her son. Her last performance will be May 21.
“It’s the final countdown,” she says. “I’m trying to enjoy all the parts that I love most and feel all the joy that this job has brought me. I want to appreciate it and try not to dwell on the last and final moments. What makes leaving harder is I’m doing something I love the most. It’s felt special to me, and that's because of the environment. It’s been such a wonderful, nurturing family and environment. I’m so grateful for all the opportunities I've been given.”
