Death By Delicious

Seventeen extravagant, outlandish — and dangerously delectable — dishes and desserts that’ll ruin your New Year’s diet. And also probably kill you.

by

For many of us, Jan. 1 is it — the day we turn our lives around. No more procrastinating. We’re going to apply ourselves. We’re going to better our relationships. We’re going to get up earlier, work out, work harder, sleep more, drive safer, be nicer, gripe less, hit our deadlines, and, yes, above all, most important, priority No. 1, we’re going to eat better.  

Gone are the late-night snacks, the fast food burgers, the beer, the pizzas, the ice cream — you’re done with that. You are a new person. A 20-pound lighter me, here I come!  

In other words, it’ll be just like last year. And the year before that. And 2016. Well, you did last a few days in 2016. Good for you!  

But you know as well as we do that New Year’s resolutions are meant to be broken. No need to bum yourself out over it. We all stumble. We all fall. We’re only human. There’s 2021, after all.  

Your fall from grace should be spectacular, though. Why blow your diet on something as simple as chips or cheesecake when there’s a whole world of over-the-top cuisine that’ll kill you?  

This is why your favorite Fort Worth magazine has come up with this — the list of 17 local foods that will completely annihilate your New Year’s resolutions. Now go forth and break promises!  

Brisket Elote Cup 

Panther City BBQ

Item No. 1 usually sworn off by those with silly — I mean, helpful — New Year’s resolution lists: meat. Item No. 1 that usually does those lists in: barbecue.

If you’re going to throw in the towel, do it with a big cup of Panther City BBQ’s brisket elote, the Near Southside joint’s tasty combination of sweet roasted corn in a housemade cream cheese blend, chopped brisket, queso fresco, cilantro, and hot sauce. Garnished with lime and jalapeño, it’s so rich and irresistible, you may never order a plain ol’ barbecue sandwich there again. 

201 E. Hattie St., panthercitybbq.com

Loco Moco

Fuego Burger

Normally, this would be the time and place to recommend one of the many fabulous burgers at this southwest Fort Worth boutique burger joint, run by local couple Carlos and Christie Rodriguez. But one of the couple’s newest menu additions sounds even more sinful: their take on the Hawaiian food staple, loco moco. A pile of freshly fried fries is piled high and mighty with chili, American cheese, a half-pound burger patty, and a fried egg. We. Can’t. Even. 

4400 Benbrook Highway, facebook.com/fuegoburger  

Gigante O.D. Burger 

Zoli’s Pizza

Newly opened in southwest Fort Worth, Jay Jerrier’s upscale pizza joint doesn’t mince words. This is food that will destroy your diet in one single bite: huge pastas, decadent pizzas, over-the-top desserts. The O.D. Burger, ordered “Gigante”-style, is a great way to go down: Crafted out of two burger patties, American and Farmhouse cheddar cheeses, horseradish pickles, a Thousand Island-inspired sauce, a patty of fried mozzarella, and a smearing of soppressata marmalade, this is one monster truck of a burger, good to the last “I can do it, I can do it” bite. 

3501 Hulen St., zolispizza.com 

Deluxe Cookiewich 

Insomnia Cookies

Late-night hours and cookies go together like “Grateful” and “Dead,” which many of you are undoubtedly listening to when the urge for cookies hits you at 1 a.m. Thankfully, this TCU-area cookie shop can sate your munchies — we mean, appetite — with cookies both big and small. But why stop with cookies? The hungry can indulge in an even greater joy: a Cookiewich, a self-explanatory combo in which ice cream is placed between two cookies. We suggest the Deluxe Cookiewich, made with two jumbo-sized cookies of your choice, from s’mores to chocolate chip. Even better: Insomnia delivers, so you don’t even have to move. Which is probably best for all of us, dude. 

2868 W. Berry St., insomniacookies.com

Taquitos in a Burrito 

Bad Azz Burrito

At this north Fort Worth burrito shop (the original Saginaw location opened nearly a decade ago), burritos come stuffed with a variety of unusual ingredients, but none stranger than taquitos, fresh from the flash-fryer. And what keeps the crisp taquitos from jostling around inside the burrito’s soft flour tortilla? A mound of guacamole, pico de gallo, jalapeños, and gloriously oozy nacho cheese. 

2020 N. Main St., badazzburritos.com

Ice cream sundae float 

STIRR

New in the West Seventh area, this buzzy, upscale American spot — an offshoot of the Dallas original — would truly like to celebrate your failure. Seriously. You see, the restaurant crowns its insane ice cream sundae float — a chocolate-dipped goblet filled with Mexican vanilla ice cream, Coke, whipped cream, chocolate drizzle, sprinkles, and rock candy — with an item designed exclusively for the sake of garnering you as much attention as possible: sparklers. When those babies are fired up, everyone in the restaurant will know you have given up on everything. 

3028 Crockett St., stirrrestaurants.com   

Frito pie pizza 

Pizza Snob 

TCU students looking to wreck their New Year’s resolutions with tools other than the obvious — beer, pot, Wilco — can take solace at this University Drive mom and pop pizza shop, which recently unveiled an 11-inch heart attack. Named after one of the decidedly unhealthiest snacks to ever invade roller rinks and Friday night football games, the Frito pie pizza is just that — a Frito pie tossed on a pizza. Chili meat? Check. Crushed Fritos? Check. Red onions? Of course. Plus, cheddar and Asiago cheese and, as a base, a chili sour cream sauce. Hey, TCU kid, after you die, can I have your Maserati? 

3051 S. University Drive, pizzasnob.com   

Big Boi 

Hot Box Biscuit Club 

From the original pop-up events to its newly opened full-service restaurant in the booming South Main area, the folks behind Hot Box Biscuit Club have done a stupendous job of keeping us full and content and sometimes barely movable. Credit this to Sarah Hooton and Matt Mobley’s chef-inspired Southern cuisine, including their absolutely stunning biscuit sandwiches. Our favorite is the Big Boi, made with brined and fried chicken tenders, housemade pickles, pimento cheese, and a special “Hot Box ranch” dressing, all of which tumbles out of a freshly made buttermilk biscuit. Long may they reign. 

313 S. Main St., hotboxbiscuitco.com

La Cruda 

Botanas Lokas

Owned and run by local restaurateur Elizabeth Renteria and her daughter, Wendy Aguilar, this Mexican frutería near the Kennedale/Fort Worth border (there’s also a second location in Arlington) dreams up otherworldly drinks and eats made with fruits, candies, chips, veggies, and other bite-sized edibles. The restaurant’s pride and glory is the La Cruda, a fascinatingly complex drink whose tallboy cup is decorated with grilled shrimp, spicy beef jerky, pork skin, cucumber, Japanese peanuts, avocado, a tamarind stick, celery, and, helping hold everything in place, a tostada. The cup is traditionally filled with a mix of tomato juice, mineral water, salt, and lime. But you can also order it “Michelada-style” and take it to go to fill it with the beer of your choice. Which is, of course, exactly what you want to do. 

798 W. Kennedale Parkway, Kennedale; 805 E. Arkansas Lane, Arlington, facebook.com/botanaslokas.co

Birthday Wish 

Muggle Shakes

2020 should be the year you discover the deliciously wicked ways of Judith Garcia’s undiscovered gem of a shakeatorium in north Fort Worth. Here, Garcia and her small crew have come up with ridiculously inventive ways to expand our waistlines, namely shakes, all of which utilize various flavors of frozen yogurt. Shakes come topped with cotton candy, powdered doughnuts, Rice Krispies Treats and — I can’t believe I’m about to say this — Strawberry Pop Tarts. Do what? Garcia’s either a genius or a serial killer — you decide. But her crowning achievement, the image that should go on her tombstone and ours, for that matter, is the Birthday Wish, a birthday party-inspired shake made with cake batter frozen yogurt, marshmallow drizzle, sprinkles, a huge block of a Rice Krispies Treat and a sour ribbon topped with a gummy bear. Oh, did we mention the cotton candy? You are going to be buzzing for days. 

9409 Sage Meadow Trail, muggleshakes.org 

Avocado soufflé

Rise No. 3

This French-inspired café in The Shops at Clearfork specializes in its namesake dish, made with egg yolks and whites, in both sweet and savory varieties, most of which are decadently dressed in diet-busting ingredients. Same goes for this off-the-menu special. Inside the soufflé are pieces of avocado, poblano and serrano peppers, and melted Swiss cheese. Its exterior comes crowned with a plop of shrimp ceviche, but that small hump of healthiness cannot be upstaged by a far more powerful topping that drips from the soufflé’s exterior like lava from a volcano: streams of melted cheddar cheese. Bon appétit. 

5135 Monahans Ave., risesouffle.com 

Angry Meatball

Doc B’s

More than a year old and still hopping in The Shops at Clearfork, this Chicago-based casual American spot serves dishes both easy and heavy on the stomach. From the latter department comes the Angry Meatball, one of Doc B’s signature dishes. Served in a piping-hot skillet, the meatball is about an eight-ball’s worth of Wagyu beef floating in a spicy tomato sauce. Each comes crowned with fresh ricotta and honey, giving it a sweet/spicy flavor. On the side, because obviously this isn’t nearly filling enough, come four thick slices of toasted brioche for dipping. 

5253 Marathon Ave., docbsrestaurant.com

Breakfast Sandwich 

Dough Boy Donuts

“Wake up — time to die,” actor Brion James says to Harrison Ford in “Blade Runner.” James may as well have been talking about getting up early for the breakfast sandwiches at Dough Boy Donuts on the city’s west side. Owner Melvin Roberson takes morning gluttony to a whole new level with a sandwich made from eggs, sausage, cheese, and Sriracha bacon. So far, not that big a deal, right? But remember: This is a doughnut shop. So instead of plain ol’ buns, the goods come stuffed inside a glazed doughnut, sliced in two, sandwich-style. Wash it down with a Red Bull to get this death party started.

4910 Camp Bowie Blvd., doughboydonutsdfw.com  

Mac and Cheese Chicken Waffle 

BREWED

Chicken and waffles has been fairly easy to find in Fort Worth since, years ago, when local chef Keith Hicks introduced the comfort dish to the city at his Ovation restaurant. But BREWED’s version features a cool little twist that makes it different than others. Pieces of fried chicken rest not on a traditional waffle or even a Belgian waffle but rather a waffle made from mac and cheese, freshly pressed into a waffle iron. Coat it all with the restaurant’s housemade thyme maple syrup, and you’ve reached your calorie count for the year. 

801 W. Magnolia Ave., brewedfw.com

gelatoShake

Popbar

The WestBend location of this New York chain serves gelato, sorbet, and yogurt on a stick, from a menu of 50-plus flavors, along with toppings, drizzles, and dippings. But for next-level indulgence, try Popbar’s otherworldly gelatoShake. It starts simple enough — pick any gelato flavor to have it easily liquefied into a highly drinkable shake. This is where it gets weird: That shake is then crowned not with a lid and not with a straw and not with a spork but with a chocolate-dipped waffle cone filled with whipped cream. Let’s review: This is a gelato shake — OK, you got that part? Topped with a chocolate-dipped waffle cone. Understand now, the waffle cone goes on top of the shake, OK? Not next to it; no one’s going to hand it to you separately. It goes inside the opening of the shake cup. And then, the cone is filled with whipped cream. And how do you eat this? They put a lonnnngggg straw in it. You don’t believe us, do you?

1621 River Run, pop-bar.com

Cookies and Cookies and Cream Beignet 

The Dusty Biscuit Beignet Bar

This new food truck from local beignet aficionado Trey Smith offers the famous French-style pastry with toppings both simple and not. You’re going to want the latter. Specifically, the Cookies and Cookies and Cream. No, that’s not a typo. That’s double the cookies. For this particular beignet, Smith begins by spraying it with a vanilla creme glaze. Once that’s good and sticky, the beignet then gets a double dusting of crushed cookies — chocolate chip and Oreo — for a match made in sugar-rush heaven. Smith recently announced on Instagram he’ll be selling his New Orleans-inspired sweet and savory beignets, plus coffee and light breakfast items, out of a Locavore Airstream starting in January. 

instagram.com/thedustybiscuit

The Fat Shack 

Fat Shack

The name is a dead giveaway — literally. No one will wander into this TCU-area restaurant wondering if the place uses gluten-free bread or offers a nice petite salad. No, the food here wants to make you fat. This local franchise of a national chain makes no apologies for its belt-busting menu, which includes making burgers with three patties and deep-fried dessert items like Twinkies and chocolate chip cookies. The dish du jour is the ridiculously over-the-top sandwich called, simply, the Fat Shack. It contains just about every vein-clogging item on the menu: cheesesteak, chicken fingers, jalapeño poppers, french fries, mozzarella sticks, and onion rings, all crammed into a 6- or 12-inch sub roll. But who’s gonna order a 6-inch here? 

2858 W. Berry St., fatshack.com

Excessive Libations

All this sweet and savory fare has made us a little parched. The cure? Not any of these beverages. Here are some over-the-top spirits you can find about town to wet your whistle while keeping you dehydrated.

Beer float

Flying Saucer

If you’re appending alcohol to your debaucherous end to a turnaround year, why not pack on some additional calories, too? This concoction includes a North Coast Old Rasputin imperial stout and one scoop of vanilla ice cream. Add it all together, and that’s 9% ABV and 520 calories. Sweet. beerknurd.com/locations/fort-worth-flying-saucer

Sour Patch Juice

Landmark Bar & Kitchen

Conceding that a half liter of candied, alcoholic liquid streaming through your gullet sounds enticing, then your resolution never stood a chance. After all, just a few sips of this “juice” — a robust blend of Smirnoff watermelon and apple vodkas, peach, Sprite, Red Bull, soda water, and Sour Patch Kids — could necessitate a shot of insulin. A half liter? We wish you well. landmarkfw.com

The ‘Bloody Best’ Bloody Mary

Chef Point Café

With a decently sized piece of fried chicken, waffle fries, grilled shrimp, jalapeño pepper, a pickle spear, bacon, and a freaking slider, this libation manages to test the idea that there’s no such thing as too many flourishes on a bloody mary. Don’t worry, somewhere beneath it all, there is a drink. We promise. chefpointcafe.org